Wednesday, February 06, 2008

The Usual Suspects

The following is a graphic portrayal of a true crime investigation. Some of the images contained in this blog post may be disturbing to sensitive viewers. Discretion is advised.

At approximately 4:45 on the afternoon of Tuesday, February 5, 2008, unsuspecting fibre artist Michelle Boyd entered her residence. Noticing that things were amiss, she followed a trail of splinters into her home and discovered the victim.

Note the position of the victim, prone, amongst muddy foot prints. No evidence of splinters around the scene, leading investigators to suspect that the actual crime had occurred elsewhere and that the remains had been moved by a suspect or suspects unknown.

An autopsy revealed that the victim had been dismembered before being chewed beyond recognition, as this graphic photo shows.

The whorl was apparently removed, then the victim was rolled around on the floor and chewed upon for sometime. Portions of the victim's body are missing and presumed eaten. Note that the victim's shaft is completely split along its full length. There must have been considerable suffering before the victim's actual demise.

A canvas of the area surrounding the crime scene turned up several suspects, many of whom were already under suspicion for other crimes against fibre.

Miss Molly (good golly!), glamourous and fastidious feline goddess. Miss Molly is known to nest in prepared fibre and to sit upon the laps of spinners and bat at attenuated fibres, breaking fragile singles.

Orlando, international cat of mystery. No one has ever successfully photographed his face. A known spreader and tangler of fibres and notorious chaser of yarn, he is frequently seen napping in the vicinity of the crime scene.

Oliver, local rodent. Known for his propensity to chew wooden objects, Oliver was eliminated as a suspect early in the investigation when his alibi that he was locked in his cage was substantiated. However, statements given by Oliver led to our prime suspect...

Teagan the Wonder Schnoodle. While not commonly associated with crimes against fibre, Teagan has frequently been sighted chewing upon contraband items and was observed sniffing at the scene of the crime. And just look at that guilty face!

Investigators are also investigating this man...

...a known associate of the suspects. The muddy footprints at the crime scene match his shoes, and though he has an airtight alibi, he is the suspected criminal mastermind behind all of the suspect's criminal activities. A patient and supportive patron of the arts, he claimed responsibility for Teagan's activities because he is working an extra gig and not walking her regularly. He has even offered to compensate the victim's surviving kin with another bobbin. Highly suspicious behavior, indeed!

While the death penalty was briefly considered for the guilty party, a return to regular kenneling when human supervision is absent was deemed the most fitting course of action. The fibre artist involved was also reminded that this is why her studio has a door on it, and will ensure that the door is firmly closed in future before leaving her premises.


  1. Hi Michelle - love your blog! It is your clear your creative juices runneth over into many different domains... glad to hear the death penality was not an option - I am a firm believer in all efforts of rehabilitation... ha! ha!

  2. Absolutely HYSTERICAL! I'm with Judi - glad the death penalty was avoided.